thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
