meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
