turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
FUCK WHALES
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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