it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
