I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
