neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
