Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
