youre lurking in front of me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
