I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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