she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
