census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
