WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
