Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
