she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
