my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he thought i was a dude.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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