We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
