im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
