Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Holy sore nipples Batman
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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