I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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