I think my fart just growled at me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
