you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
