So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
