Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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