Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
