I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
