no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
