Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
