I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
