then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
