Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
