Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
