Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
