Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
