Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
