The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just tell him i said nine months
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
