her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
