i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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