I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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