I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
did you just send me my own nude
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
