I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
