The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
