is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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