So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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