I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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