Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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