I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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