I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
