I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
