apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
