i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I deserve this hangover.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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